Parodies

(To "Teen Angel")

One fateful day, the TARDIS lost, we got stuck in the past.

We found some DVDs and left a message meant to last.

Stone angels, you should fear them;

Stone angels, if you see them,

Just don’t blink or look away,

Or they’ll send you to the past to stay.

The Angels have the phone box and they’ll try to get inside,

To steal its timey-wimey power, and they’ll not be denied.

 (chorus)

It’s up to you to save us all, dear Sally Sparrow true;

Just give the TARDIS this CD, and she’ll know what to do.

(To "Rockin' Robin")

They roam through the alleys all night long,

Smacking and a-bopping and a-righting all wrong.

All the dirty crooks out on the street

Fear to face the Robin and meet defeat.

Bats and Robin.

Well, go, Batman, Robin, gonna stop a lot of crime tonight.

See how Poison Ivy, see Ra’s al Ghul,

See how Mr. Freeze even loses his cool.

There goes the Joker and Harley Quinn

No matter how they try, they will never win.

(chorus)

The dark and gloomy Batman in the Batcave’s night

Took an acrobat and taught him how to fight.

Then when he was ready, how that Robin flew –

He catnapped Catwoman and the Penguin too!

DailyLife.js

public static void main(String[] args) {

Human person = new Human();

Cat fluffy = new Cat();
Meal breakfast, lunch, dinner = new Meal();
TaskList chores = new TaskList();

for (int i  = 1; i <= 365; i++)

{

        int day = i % 7;

        fluffy.wakeUp();

        fluffy.wakeHuman(person);

        person.feedCat(fluffy);

        person.getDressed();

        person.eat(breakfast);

        if (day == 0)

                person.goToChurch();

        else if (day == 6) {}

        else

                person.goToWork();

        while (!chores.areDone() )

        {

                person.doTasks(chores);

                if (person.isHungry() )

                {

                        person.goToKitchen();

                        person.eat(lunch);

                }

        }

       

        person.setFreeTime(true);

        while (person.hasFreeTime()  && !person.isTired() )

        {

                person.play();

                if (person.isHungry() )

                {

                        person.goToKitchen();

                        person.eat(dinner);

                }

        }

        person.feedCat(fluffy);

        if (person.isTired() )

                person.goToBed();

}

}

Balrogy

‘Twas midnight, and the pounding drums

Did boom and rumble in the deep.

The Fellowship—how far they’d come!—

Did hardly dare to sleep.

“Beware the Balrog, Mithrandir!

The magic dark, the swift attack!

Beware Ungoliant, and fear

Ancalagon the Black!”

He took his elven blade in hand;

Long time through Khazad-dûm they walked.

They made their stand in a cavern grand,

With no more time to talk.

But as they stood prepared to fight,

The Balrog grim, with whip of flame,

Strode forth all cloaked in wings of night,

And thundered as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

Bright Glamdring hewed the fiery sword.

They battled long, from depths to peak,

Ere Balrog broke upon the sward.

“And hast thou slain the Balrog, then?

Come, garb thyself in robes of white!

Oh frabjous day! Calloo, callay!”

Thus Gandalf grew in might.

‘Twas daylight, and the pounding drums

Did no more rumble in the deep.

The Fellowship had come and gone,

And Moria did sleep.

Customer Service Pantheon

O ye peons in customer service, beware, lest ye rouse the wrath of the dreaded CS Demons!

Chief of the Pantheon, Dark Lord of Despair, He Who Is Always Right
Invocation: "The customer is always right!"

His wife, Lady of Escalation, She Who Seeks Higher Authority
Invocation: "I want to speak to your manager!"

The Psychic, He Who Gives Insufficient Information

The Voluble, She Who Gives Too Much Information
Twin sister of the Psychic

Lord Stentorian, Shatterer of Eardrums
Invocation: [incoherent roar of rage]

Lady Credence, She Who Has Faith In The Impossible
"You say it will take a week? Great, I'll be expecting it tomorrow."

The Unintelligible, He Who Cannot Be Comprehended

The Bewildered, She Who Does Not Comprehend
Twin sister of the Unintelligible

Lady Unfettered, She Who Is Exempt From All Policies

The Entitled, She Who Is Owed All Things
Often teams up with Lady Unfettered

The Profane, Bestower of Epithets, Lord of Foul Language
Invocation: [unprintable]

The Troll, Lord of Shock, Master of False Pretenses
Not a genuine member of the pantheon, but loves masquerading as one

The Last Silmaril

When the last Eagle flies over the cold Misty Mountains,
And in far Rivendell runs dry the last dusty fountain,
In the dim and cloudy heavens, old and worn but soaring still
You may yet see the glimmer of the last Silmaril.

Long ago in the West lands shone the Two Trees in glory;
And their light, Moon and Sun, radiant in song and story.
And this light Fëanor of indomitable will
Bound into three flawless gemstones, the renowned Silmarils.

Now the Two Trees are poisoned, and the Silmarils scattered;
Two were lost to fire and water when Morgoth’s power was shattered.
But on Eärendil’s brow see one stone gleaming still;
Look and see it, how it sparkles – it’s the last Silmaril.

I still shine, I still shine.

Gil-Estel, the Star of Hope, endless soars in elf-ship battered
‘Til the Last Battle comes, and Middle-Earth shall be shattered.
Reunited the Three, and their light the Trees shall fill
And, restored, their light shall shame even the last Silmaril.

They shall shine, they shall shine.

Texting

Hey K girl wut up

Nothing, you?

u wont blieve dis

OMG, did Mike ask you out?!

better, got my license

Wow, congrats girl!

Going out to celebrate?

yup, want 2 come?

Sure, what time?

on my way now, c u in a few

You’re driving? You probably shouldn’t be texting...

dnt worry, I got it

Im 2 blocks away, b ready

Alright, I’m outside. You here yet, Bets?

Bethany?

Where are you? I hear sirens, and there’s smoke coming from the next block...

Bethany, are you okay? Message me, please!

They’re saying there’s been a car wreck, please tell me you’re okay!

BETHANY!

Hey, Bets. I feel stupid doing this...standing next to your hospital bed and texting you. Your phone’s not even on. But...it makes me feel closer to you somehow.

It’s been a week. The doctors say they don’t know how much brain damage there is, that even if you recover, you might not...be you. Remember anything. Remember us.

Everyone’s talking about you. They’ve got a prayer chain going for you at church. I think you’d like that.

I miss you. Miss doing stuff with you. We were going to go shopping today, remember? Find a cute top to go with that new skirt of yours.

They tell me I should start letting go. But I can’t, not yet.

I pray for you, every day.

So here I am, sending messages you’ll probably never see.

I miss you so much.

Kaci? Is that you?

...Bethany?

Where am I? It’s all dark...

Alright, who is this? Mike, if you’re messing around with me, I’m going to kill you!

It’s me, K girl, remember?

It can’t be!

Look, I’ve got your phone in my HAND. It’s off, I swear it is.

So who is this? How are you doing it?

I...I don’t know, I swear! I don’t know what’s going on!

Okay, that’s creepy. I turned your phone on, and I can see all our messages.

I saw your message type itself on your screen, and then it showed up on mine all by itself.

Bets? Is that really you?

Of course! I’m your best girl, remember? We swore never to prank each other!

Bets, I can’t believe it! How is this happening?

I don’t know. Am I really dead?

In a coma. They’re starting to talk about turning off life support.

Your dad wants to do it. He’s terrified you’re suffering in there. Your mom is still hoping you’ll wake up.

Please don’t let them pull the plug. I’m scared.

Me too.

We’ll get through this together, girl.

Do you think you can wake up?

I...I’ll try.

No. I don’t even know where I am. It’s just...all dark. I can’t see anything. All I can hear is your voice.

Kace...are my parents there? Can I talk to them?

Not yet, they’re talking to the doctor. When they get here, I’ll give them your phone.

I don’t know if they’ll believe me, but mayb

they’re coming

WHO IS THIS? OUR DAUGHTER IS DYING, AND YOU DECIDE TO PLAY SOME SORT OF CRUEL JOKE ON US?

Dad? It’s me, your butterfly girl!

STOP THIS RIGHT NOW, OR I WILL FIND YOU AND REPORT YOU!

Please, listen to me!

I AM TURNING THIS PHONE OFF NOW

I’m so sorry, Bets.

Bethany? Are you okay?

:’-(

I’m sorry, that was a stupid question.

Kaci...how bad is it really?

Pretty bad.

Do they think I’ll ever wake up?

Your dad said the doctor doesn’t think so.

He thinks it’s time.

Your mom...

Your mom is starting to think it would be healthier to just let you go.

I think your dad’s talking her into it.

He made me leave the room for “being disrespectful” by texting so much, but I’m hearing things like “vicious pranks” and “false hope”.

I don’t want to go, Kace. I’m scared.

So am I, girl.

But do you want to live like this forever?

...No.

And just think, you’ll get to see Grandma Jeanne again.

Yeah, I guess...

And remember the streets of gold, and the pearly gates?

I’m counting on you to show me around when I get there. :-)

Will you do that for me?

Of course, K. You’re my BFF.

Always.

Always.

Bets...it’s time. They’re doing it now.

...stay with me?

Of course. I’ll be right here.

How you doing?

I think...there’s something happening. I can see something.

It’s a bright light...it’s getting closer...

It’s okay, girl. You’ll be alright.

Oh, K girl, I wish you could see this.

It’s so – so beautiful.

I’m looking forward to it.

I’ll see you again. I promise.

Grandma’s there. She’s waving to me.

She’s got Papa Bear with her.

Go, B girl.

I’ll be waiting for you, Kaci. I hope it takes you a good long time to get here. But when you do, I’ll be here to hug you.

I’m counting on it. ;-)

See you later, K girl.

See you later, B girl.